


seeing her, and knowing what you've lost

by CyberPhoenix



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: F/F, i did not read this over more than once its nearly 4am and im sad over verdant wind ok, oh also f!byleth is extremely gay bc big mood me too, other characters mentioned (and killed) but theyre not really the focus here, spoilers for crimson flower and verdant wind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23358661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyberPhoenix/pseuds/CyberPhoenix
Summary: Byleth raises her sword, and remembers everything that came before this moment.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth
Kudos: 20





	seeing her, and knowing what you've lost

**Author's Note:**

> so i played crimson flower first and hoh boy i got way too attached to edelgard
> 
> may have kinda made a route sequence w/ the idea of ng+ byleth repeating events over and over so this came to mind
> 
> like i said in the tags it is like 4am here and im so tired but yknow? we really be postin fic without checking stuff. so if i get some details wrong or events mixed up in timeline stuff pls forgiv

"If I must fall, let it be by your hand."

You never were the type to say that fate existed, nor for it to be cruel. People made decisions and lived by their consequences. But standing here, surrounded by what should be your victory, your grip on your sword feels weak, slackened at the knowledge of what you must do. She's right. If this war is to end, there cannot be a leader remaining in opposition. Even surrender would be too risky. Yet... you find yourself hesitating, even if only for a moment. 

She was one of your students, if not directly. She was someone you had hoped would grow to do good in this world. But instead, a war lies behind you, and blood stains the hands and hearts of so many who sacrificed for it. More of those beloved students, dying, weeping, screaming, as you see innocents fall. For what? To free a land that was unfortunately content in staying horrid? To seek better days even if it meant seeing the worst to come? Peace? There was no such thing. 

You have seen this war twice, now.

And as you stare down at Edelgard, you find yourself thinking back to when you'd fought for her sake.

\--

It had been a tough path, and with every lost life, be they friend or foe, you found yourself growing more nauseated with this war. You believed in Edelgard with all of your heart-- as your top student and ally, she was always a wonder to see in and out of battle. When it came time to declare your allegiance, all of the doubts you had about Rhea and the church reared their heads with how viciously the archbishop demanded Edelgard's death. So... you fell in line with your student, prepared to stay by her side until the end.

But then, next thing you knew, it was five years later, and war had ravaged so much of what you could see. You'd never been a stranger to bloodshed and death, life as a mercenary was just like that. But something about why this war was happening, what was being fought for-- and what was being sacrificed for-- made your stomach turn. Gods and heroes and secrets and weapons and crests and bloodlines and everything-- it all seemed so small and pointless compared to the value of an honest life. That being said, there was no turning back, you knew that much, so you returned to your students, those that still remained to call you their teacher, and you joined the fight. 

War was never going to be easy. For every warm moment where things seemed to be brighter, the oppressive darkness of the hell you'd dove into seemed to cling to your footsteps like a grim reaper. Even the hopeful moments, such as swaying a former friend to your side, were punctuated sharply with the moments of all that you had no choice but to defend yourself from. Battle after battle, familiar faces among the ranks of the enemy, familiar voices crying out their last breaths as they fell, over and over-- it haunted you. It haunted some of your students, as well, you noticed. You never brought it up, but the quiet sobs that echoed through the halls of the ruined monastery almost made the scene feel like it's own graveyard. You visited your father, again, once. Before what was to be the final battle. Kneeling by the stone that could never replace or make up for what you'd lost, you found yourself reflecting.

Everything felt like a blur, blending together as your memories surfaced only in bloody moments as you tore down foe after foe. Many people stood by your side in those moments. It was often Edelgard, axe raised as she let out a cry so fierce you knew the voice behind it could only be hers-- twisted into fury against a world and the false god that had hurt her and so many others with what it believed. Often still was it the other students of the Black Eagles house-- the Black Eagle Strike Force, rather-- Bernadetta, focused in the desperation to survive, arrow ready to fly at a moment's notice; Dorothea, swirling between sword and flame as if they were a duet of a ballad; Petra, swooping down like an angel of death as she charged towards whoever lay in her way. The rest, too, they had all grown into such strong people, you hardly would've expected to see the students from five years ago become this. Even outside of the house you taught, you had been blessed with bringing in a few others that pledged themselves to your shared cause when the time came, and for that, you were eternally grateful. Further back, you remembered the others. To the fateful day when three houses had become one in a bid to survive an attack orchestrated by one of their own. To when your father hesitated, wanting to spare you from his and your past. To your father, who cared so dearly for a child who could not love him in the same way he might've hoped for, but loved him all the same. You find yourself feeling numb, unable to bring forward the tears that you shed for him. Not again.

The ring weighs heavy in your palm as you look at it. You'd always been partial to women, so it wasn't a surprise that your thoughts drifted to her, the one who had put all her faith in you, and that you'd done the same in return. Something in the back of your mind twisted, knowing that your father had died indirectly due to Edelgard's plans, perhaps directly, if you looked at it a certain way. But she had suffered too at the hands of those who were your temporary, disgusting, revolting allies, who you couldn't wait to strike down at the nearest moment you got-- 

You knew that Edelgard was partially to blame. It felt wrong to think of giving her this ring, especially with how dreadfully she'd spoken to you when you had been mourning. How callously she pushed you back into the open, desperate for her teacher to just get up like nothing had happened. But you knew she cared for you, no matter what it may have seemed like. As much as the past stung like an open wound, you knew that you still wished to share a future with her.

and so, with a new resolve, and a belief in a better world, you tuck the ring back into your pocket, and prepare for the end. 

but that glory never truly came, not even as the Immaculate One falls, as you feel your weak body being cradled gently by your love as you drift in and out of consciousness, as it seems that you've finally reached the end of all these troubles.

the last thing you see is Edelgard smiling gently down at you, eyes wet with fresh tears. 

\--

When you wake up, in your old home, in your old bed, feeling groggy and dizzy and faintly remembering a dream you had, of war and of a girl you thought to be important, it isn't until you see your father, see Jeralt Eisner standing in front of you, that everything floods back. You nearly collapse, heaving with a sudden panic that you didn't know you could feel. You can feel these emotions, all raw and new and real, coursing through your veins as confusion rips through the shared consciousness of you and Sothis. She's remembered, too. 

You allow events to play out as they had before, all the while consulting with Sothis as to what this might be. Did you die, and was this just some twisted form of punishment for sins you knew you'd committed? Or was this some sort of second chance, granted by a force somehow greater than the progenitor gos herself? Sothis also wasn't about to deny the possibility of whatever happened that seemed to sever her connection with you, in those last moments, causing a freak accident that sent you back, like an extreme version of Divine Pulse. There were so many questions that you couldn't figure out the answer to. But there was one thing that you knew very well.

This time, you were going to save all of your students. 

However, that presented a question, and too many possibilities. You feared war was inevitable, and you knew convincing Edelgard personally would be out of the question. Getting too close to her even now felt... wrong, almost. Seeing her look at you with eyes that didn't recognize everything you two had been through together, it was painful. So when it came time to choose which house you would teach, you didn't immediately jump to a decision.

Perhaps it would be better to take a different approach-- ah, but you could only glance at Dimitri and remember how he looked in those final moments. Guilt threatens to make you sick as you feel bile rise in the back of your throat as you remember you had thought that was what had needed to be done. No, no, it would bring up too many unnecessary emotions if you chose the Blue Lions. Claude, on the other hand-- you spared his life, and let him fly off to wherever he pleased. You had retained some curiosities about what he got up to, both before and during the war, and he seemed to have a stance neutral enough to convince into a larger scheme to counter Edelgard's extremes, if necessary. Or, at least, that was your excuse that you made to yourself, not having the heart to pick either of the other houses. 

You didn't mean to fall so deeply entranced with the Golden Deer students, feeling such pride as you watched them grow just as strong, if not stronger than those you'd taught before. You were stronger this time around, so perhaps that was part of it, but it still was a brilliant sight to witness. You lost track of months as you listened to all of their problems, growing closer as you learned of their woes and devotions. Leonie's attitudes had a tendency to sting-- and it was with her words you remembered that, unless you could change things for the better, you would have to witness heartbreak again. Determined to do whatever you could to avert not only your father's fate, but that of everyone else you could reach, you expanded your efforts to connect to all of the students. Being a shoulder to lean on when they were weary, being someone to speak to should they be scared or upset, and trying to be as open as you could without letting slip the fears that took root in your mind, you tried to bring everyone in.

But you couldn't. There still were those who were stubbornly loyal, as you restrained yourself from collapsing into a pleading mess as you rambled like a nut about how they would die if things went wrong. You hoped it wouldn't come to that, that you could find a way to end the war before it started, but you knew in your heart that such intervention was impossible. So you walked on forward, carrying the heavy burden of knowing those that you left behind would only see their graves.

When Jeralt dies again, you can't find it in yourself to restrain your emotions. You mourn not only for him, but for everyone you know you are to lose thereafter. Hearing Leonie, again, go from sympathetic to snapping at you-- at you-- who lost your father but was never grateful? Never appreciative of what you had? You'd like to pretend those words didn't get under your skin, but as you return to your quarters you end up nearly trashing the place in your frustrations, much to Sothis' dismay. You can't hold this together, not when you're already thinking too much, hoping too much, fearing too much-- and to say that you weren't doing enough? You calm down after a while, laying facedown on your bed as you take deep breaths. In some ways, you think Leonie was right. You've been so occupied with your fear of the future that... maybe you did turn away from the present a bit too often. You had gotten an extra chance to love your father again, and instead you spent it micromanaging something you couldn't even predict. Some child you were.

You become a bit more hardened after that day, and when you return from the darkness, Sothis' power infused within your soul, you feel whole again, but all too empty. You take solace in how Claude seems to ask too many questions for his own good. It's all stuff you would like to ask, to know about, but never the alibi to explain why. You remember biting your tongue when Claude brought up the picture of the Immaculate One, knowledge that you shouldn't have nearly bursting out of you in what would be considered heresy if you let it slip. Even now he continues to seek answers, and you are glad you are beside him. At the Holy Tomb, your heart sinks as you see her, still behind the mask that had asked you to be their ally. How you'd longed to say yes, honestly, and seek a compromise, seek anything. But as is, this was the inevitable outcome. You stand on the other side of the battle, now, and you bow your head as you prepare for everything to begin again. Things go about as well as expected, both in the fight and the ensuing fallout. You breathe a sigh of relief in your head as Hubert and Edelgard flee, but still you worry for what is to come. You failed to stop the war, you know that much-- but perhaps in the next five years you will make up for what you couldn't do last time.

Except, you once again don't get those years, as you are knocked off of the cliff, plummetting into darkness anew.

The only thing on your mind as you awaken again is answers. You need to find Claude-- and you need to find Rhea. If you are to convince Edelgard or the opposition to find peace, you need to know the full story. But even upon your return all you get are more questions, as you reunite with a new group, and see faces you once fought become your allies, this time. It's pleasant, not having to fight Seteth and Flayn, you must admit. You did care somewhat for their safety, remembering when you let them flee for their lives. But you can't dwell on that past, either. There is much to be done, and you let yourself fall into the usual pace that war had you in. Routines feel comforting as you connect with your students again, now a bigger group than last time despite some... notable missing faces. You try not to think about that, as you catch up on what this version of the past five years had in store.

You may detest war, but it does wonders for stopping you from thinking. Battle after battle, advancement after advancement, you proceed further with Claude leading you to each new objective. You find yourself focused on him, differently than you focused on Edelgard. While she was a fire, lighting up a room and able to burn the enemy to the ground, he is the clouds, storming and soft at a moment's notice, always hanging overhead at watch. You come to appreciate him more, as time goes on. You almost forget what you want to be fighting for.

Then, you face Ferdinand, and you strike him down without even a word of apology. You can't. You can't let yourself feel. 

You see Dorothea, one you had managed to salvage, staring at the greenhouse flowers, looking lost. You don't get the chance to ask, as she speaks. It's hard to keep an uncaring face as she spills her woes, echoes back words you knew in your heart was how you felt, as well. You'd killed one of your students, again. You could've tried harder. You failed him. His blood is on your hands. And soon, that of others will, as well.

It's almost a mercy to hear of Dimitri's demise, away from where you could have hurt him yourself. At least that way you can pretend it wasn't your fault, as well. You continue forward, as you always have, not dwelling on the guilt. He died once, in another time. Once more should be no different, you lie.

As you advance on the Death Knight-- no, Jeritza-- no, you learned he was once Emile-- you find yourself wishing you had the room to hesitate and offer mercy. But with enemies all around and Hubert behind, you know you have no choice. You do not mourn the Death Knight, not as his scythe tears into your side after your first swing clanks off of his armor. No, as you raise yourself up with renewed vigor and rage, you mourn only the one who might've not wished to be this way.

It's different, looking at Hubert. Even when you were on Edelgard's side he always glared at you like you were some annoying mosquito he had no choice but to tolerate. You'd gained his trust, after a long time, and perhaps in another life you might've chosen to spend your future with him. But there was no future for him now, not as you screamed fury over everything you knew wasn't his fault, as you saw him as an enemy again, as you struck him down without looking back. You didn't dislike Hubert, but his face was always a bit easier to get angry at. It helped you push away the shattering guilt and despair that continued to eat at you. If she didn't back down now-- hell, even if she did-- there would be nothing left of that old heart for you to salvage.

You knew Edelgard well. Well enough, at least, to know no matter the circumstance, she would never settle for the middle ground. Perhaps you'd known this whole time that your hope for peace was just a far off fantasy. So as you enter the throne room, your allies close by your sides, some of them ones you'd once struck down as coldly as you'd done your former allies, you finally let go. You walk up to Edelgard, and make the first move, but your swing is off, and you miss. Her retaliation is swift, and part of you hopes she is able to finish you off, even though you know you cannot truly escape, not with the power of Divine Pulse always bringing you just before the end.

She speaks, but you do not hear it. You merely stare at her face, so determined, so lovely, so agonizingly beautiful even in these dreadful moments. How you longed to be with her, even now when there was no choice to. What you wouldn't do to reach out to her, one more time. You hear Claude's voice behind you, but don't understand until an arrow whizzes past you and sinks into her side, and she falls to her knees.

You walk up to her, mortified, but somehow... sorrowfully serene.

Then, she speaks, and the world you'd tried to keep intact, the lifetime that wasn't, the memories and hopes you'd cherished as you wished you could save her once more, it all crumbled into pieces.

\--

You don't cry, as you slowly steel yourself and lift your sword. Let this be the final time that you will see one of your students die in this war. Let this be the last life that has to be taken for Fodlan's peace. Let her be the last heartbreak you feel, as your happy ending is torn from you again. There will always be a tomorrow, but you know you will never forget the past you shared with her, in a time that never truly was.

"I wanted... to walk with you."

With those words, you know what you've lost.

So you bring your sword down fast, before it can hurt any more.

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to add more details abt byleth thinking abt the other students n stuff but also? very too tired. maybe if I write another thing abt this route sequence ill go into that  
> (fun fact! my friend was the one who explicitly told me not to recruit ferdinand and they let me get my heart shattered again. he's literally the only one I didn't grab)
> 
> also atm i havent started blue lions, thats my next run (planning a full recruit bc thats how we cope babey!!!) but after that im doing a merciless solo byleth run of church and . i may write stuff abt how That Byleth is doin if i feel inspired to
> 
> time loops just make me sad ok


End file.
